About the boyfriend/non-boyfriend:
1. I wanted a “normal” healthy relationship where both parties shared equally in a healthy way.
2. We communicated in sound bites of text messages. I kept hoping and dreaming and living in a fantasyland that he would read between the lines and want to be with me in a “normal” way. Beyond sex.
3. I kept trying to manifest a relationship with someone who was emotionally checked out. I shared and made myself vulnerable.
4. He shared very little of himself with me beyond sound bites about how he had anxiety or was neurotic. I kept wanting him to share more about what was below the surface but it never happened.
5. The “relationship” was pure insanity. I was doing the same things over and over hoping he would change. I kept going back thinking “this time” he would want to be in a relationship. Would want me to move into his two story house on a busy street.
It never happened. I think it’s really taken me 17 months to really get down to the nitty gritty details and figure out what was really there. I needed to get down to a basic level to learn what worked and didn’t work. I always forget/don’t give myself credit for the following:
1. One of my good friends died from cancer. I bought a house. I moved. I ended the relationship all within the space of a month in April and May 2013. Those are four of the most difficult things to do. I jammed all of those things into a tiny time frame. I really am an overachiever. Maybe I needed time to sort through everything before i was ready to write chapter one.