The past few months have felt exceptionally abysmal in terms of manifesting any type of romantic relationship. Perhaps you can relate? Here’s what’s been going on:
1. waking up on a sunny Tuesday to find your 12 year old cat not eating anything even though you have left out 3 different types of wet food, canned tuna and rotisserie chicken the night before. you drive to the yuppie grocery store and spend $17 on smoked salmon and prosciutto in hopes she will eat it even though all of the websites say don’t give cats human food. your cat eats some smoked salmon but mostly the prosciutto. you call the vet to make an appointment for the same day.
2. you look at the Facebook page of a friend of a friend you have a crush on. You friend him two months earlier. you go to his page and find that he has unfriended you. “What the fuck?” you think. You are not sure why since you have not commented or even liked anything of his in a month. You try not to take it personally.
3. you write and revise a story about a boyfriend from long ago who now lives in NYC and who you tried to manifest something with in June when you were visiting. You send him part of a different story you wrote about him last month via Facebook. You see that he has read (or at least “seen it 6/17/14 at 9:36 pm”) it.
He doesn’t respond.
You try not to take it personally.
4. You see someone from the Fishtrap conference at a book reading that you might be remotely interested in. You talk after the reading for twenty minutes at your bike that’s locked up across the street. You talk about Jungian psychology and Joseph Campbell since that’s what you wrote your senior thesis on and what he is currently going to graduate school for. You ask him if he’s on social media. “No” he replies. You hand him your business card hoping he will call or email or text.
You watch your phone like a hawk hoping he will call. You check email.
You check your spam files religiously for a week before giving up.
5. You get a text message from the guy you went on a few dates with six months ago. “Kelly Wallace” he says in the text message. You have deleted his name from your phone but know it’s him because there are only a handful of people who call you “Kelly Wallace” and most of them live on the East Coast. His is a 503/Portland area code. He is the only person who has even shown any interest in a while. You delete the message because he told you he was once diagnosed as a sex addict. “Well actually, I’m closer to a love addict,” he said shortly after he told you he was a sex addict.
A few days after you delete his text message along with his phone number you think about going to the AT&T website to look up his number. “That is crazy,” you tell yourself. You don’t look up his phone number BUT you do go to Facebook and have a bizarre message exchange before realizing you might be a complete wackadoodle for trying to manifest anything with him.
You stop messaging him because it’s desperate.
You feel desperate.
You don’t know why you feel so desperate.
6. You have all kinds of awesome things going on: 11 years working in a (social work) field that has given you a tremendous amount of flexibility to write and travel. you own a house. you own a car that you wanted many, many years before you purchased it. hell, you wanted a house years and years you purchased it. You have traveled to Sweden, Denmark, Iceland, Germany, the Netherlands and Korea all in the last 2 years. You are by all means successful. You can manifest just about anything you want.
except a relationship.
This. This continues to baffle you.
7. The only thing you can do, you’ve discovered in the last month is to laugh at yourself. The only other choice is sadness. And you are sick to fucking death of sadness.
It’s time to laugh.